¡MPACT!

Once again, it's time for the NWA-TNA Impact! rundown:

• Michael Shane w/ valet Tracy vs. Chris Sabin vs. Miyamoto vs. Primetime vs. Kazarian vs. Hector Garza, 6-way one fall with tags - Miyamoto is from All Japan Pro Wrestling and makes his TNA debut here. Guest judge is Dusty Rhodes (who seems to be the guest judge for all Impact shows so far...so why keep calling him a "guest" anything?). The cameraman shows a fan dressed in a Mask mask and hawaiian shirt, who reminds me of troutman. Regarding Miyamoto, the announcers namedrop Keiji Mutoh a.k.a. The Great Muta, which I find cool. Some tagging around for a while, Garza almost gets a pin on Miyamoto but everybody runs in to break it up and it turns into a big brawl all over the place. Primetime gets the "Play Of the Day" (his finisher, a sort of knee drop slam thing I can't really describe) on I think Shane but gets poison misted by Miyamoto for his troubles. Some more fighting and Miyamoto is down in the ring. Garza gets in for some stomps, then climbs the ropes for a wild back-first corkscrew splash. Kazarian leaps at Garza to break up the pin, but is too late and Garza gets the win. Garza is quite fun to watch.
• The Naturals come out to the ring in America's Most Wanted's ring gear, which they stole. AMW jumps them in revenge but get ejected by security.
• The Naturals vs. Sabu & Sonjay Dutt, tag team match - Sonjay gets off some nice hurricaranas, and does a cool baseball slide between the legs of the Natural on the outside, grabbing the feet as he goes through so the guy gets yanked back and hits his jaw on the apron. Sutt stays in for a long while, but eventually the Naturals start gaining momentum on him and he makes the hot tag to Sabu. Sabu gets a triple jump off of a folding chair (his trademark). Dutt goes for a Hindu press (a.k.a. a Twirly Thing) but misses. The Naturals get the Natural Disaster (which seems to be the same as the Dudley Boys' 3-D, or at least really similar) on Sonjay for the win. Sabu comes out to see if Dutt is alright, but the Naturals attack him. Sabu fights out with a folding chair. Sabu got off some of his signature stuff to a good reaction, but I think Sonjay Dutt was more impressive.
  
• Shark Boy and a guy in a foam Popeye costume fool around in Universal Studios, going on rides and generally being berserk. This is the most awesomest promo ever. I am now a Shark Boy fan for life!!!
• D-Ray 3000 vs. The Monster, Abyss w/ Goldy Locks, one fall squash - They always announce Abyss as The Monster, Abyss, and who am I to argue? D-Ray is a complete spaz as he walks down the ramp. He looks sort of like that guy from Kid 'n' Play with the hair, crossed with a young Don King, doped up on speed. Abyss nosells a crossbody plancha. D-Ray stomps his way out of a chokslam, then bounces off the ropes but immediately gets hit with the Black Hole Slam and Abyss picks up the win.
• Mr. Aguila vs. A.J. Styles (c), one fall (non-title) - A.J. hits a nice dropkick to Aguila's head, and a long delayed vertical suplex. Kid Kash & Dallas come out to the top of the ramp to watch, and succeed in distracting Styles slightly. Styles has some nice kicks. One of the announcers says "...which allows A.J. not to have the time he needs", a tortured bit of grammar even by wrestling announcer standards (these are people who regularly eschew the possessive form of nouns). Styles wins with the Styles Clash. Kash & Dallas run in for the post-match beatdown, but D-Lo Brown runs in to make the save. D-Lo then challengers the winner of the Jeff Jarrett vs. Ron Killings match on the next PPV for the heavyweight title. Not the best segue, but you take what you can get.
• TNA flashback to some match hyped by Roddy Piper (evidently not feeling Rowdy that day) and Jimmy Hart, which was A.J. Styles and Sting vs. Lex Luger and somebody else I can't recall. Next week on TNA Flashback: Hulk Hogan eats a guitar to the head! Oh boy. It's not a bad idea to do these flashback things, to point out that TNA has existed for quite a bit longer than Impact has been around, but the stuff they're dredging up is just lame. I mean, on their debut show they showed their current heavyweight champ feuding with and getting beat by a frickin' country singer! That doesn't sound like a good way of building up reputations, even if it did get a celebrity tie-in (at least I assume so; I don't follow country music and I'd never heard of the guy). Celeb tie-ins aren't always a great idea anyway—remember David Arquette, World Heavyweight Champion?
  
• I just wasted way too many words on that promo.
• Our announcers Don West & Mike Tenay plug the upcoming Wednesday PPV to high heaven. Promos for Divine vs. Trinity, women's stretcher match (ah, so TNA does have a women's division! I was beginning to wonder) and for Jerry Lynn vs. Scott d'More. 
• promo clip of Jeff Jarrett declaring himself King of the Mountain while standing on part of some Universal Studios ride.
• Eric Young w/ Scott d'More vs. Ron "The Truth" Killings w/ 3 Live Kru, one fall - Young is a member of Team Canada. Killings dances in the ring, allegedly. The match starts, and Jerry Lynn runs out to chase off d'More and prevent any shenanigans (and build heat for their PPV match). Dusty Rhodes is the guest announcer. Dude, Dusty, shut up. Please. Argh. He's like Jim Ross but with even more ersatz good-ole'-boy slathered on top. Killings wins with a flying axe kick (sort of like Booker T's scissor kick, but more forceful-looking). The place goes dark, and Jarrett's music hits. Jarrett comes down the ramp, approches the announcer table, and gets a GUITAR-SHOT ON DUSTY! YES! Jarrett just turned face in my book. Da Troof tries to make the save, but gets smacked around with the remnants of Jarrett's acoustic. Vince Russo cmes out into the ring and yells at JJ, saying that he could suspend Jarrett without pay, but he won't because that would punish Killings, who will win on Wednesday. He tells Jeff to bring his guitar because under TNA rules, a DQ for the champion results in a title change. Killings tries to attack Jarrett again on the ramp, but gets dumped into the audience. A guy who was trying to get close with his digital camera narrowly avoids eating boot as The Truth goes over.
• After a short commercial break, they replay Jeff "El Kabong" Jarrett smashing his guitar over Dusty Rhodes' fat head, just because it's just that sweet. Still satisfying the second time around. End of show.

Joe should be getting back sometime soon, so I won't have to keep taping it. I'll probably still try to catch it though. It's been fun so far. Plus, I still haven't seen Christopher Daniels or Low Ki (not to be confused with lokitsu), and I really want to.

"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest." - Alexandre Dumas

On the same wavelength as Flame Warriors: Fuckheads: The Bane of the Internet

This essay is pretty damned accurate. I've certainly come across my share of these people on Usenet and message boards. One thing it doesn't mention though: Fuckheads can't and won't stop being Fuckheads, because they're incapable of realizing that they are.